Relationships

Breaking Through the Romantic Fantasy Frenzy

INTERVIEW WITH WORLD FAMOUS HUMAN BEHAVIOURAL SPECIALIST – DR JOHN DEMARTINI

He rides in on a white horse and sweeps her off to his castle where they live happily ever after. If you’re like most people, you probably buy into at least one of the common cultural myths such as everlasting passion and the eternally romantic notion of a ‘soul mate’.

Dr. John Demartini conducted this interview on matters of the heart and we’ve got it to share with you. Enjoy!

Q: We tend to have this fantasy that when we meet someone we should live happily ever after. Do you think this sets us up for disappointment?

These myths are perpetuated by stories, whether they are in childhood fairytales, popular movies or the idealized romances that live in your mind. If you continue to believe in any of these myths, you are living in a falsehood; they will run your life, shape your expectations and make you feel as if everyone else gets the fairytale but you.

There are a number of people who still believe the purpose of a romantic relationship is happiness. Relationships are about fulfillment, which is the blending of both positive and negative emotions and experiences. In the marriage vows we pledge to love for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse. These vows are not one-sided and neither should our perceptions be.

So if your idea of the perfect partner is more good than bad, I suggest you stop looking now. If you aspire to the movie “Pretty Woman” then you need a reality check. Quit expecting a lover to be constantly sexy, turned on, and available – never tired, irritable or disinterested. Try not to cling to the idea of the mythical spouse who’s only loyal, supportive and non-judgmental. The minute you start wishing for the perfect partner you’re living in a fantasy.

Years ago I had a wealthy client in New York who had written an exact list of the qualities of her ideal man. It ran like this: “I won’t date a man unless he has a minimum of $15 million, is at least 185.4cm tall, has brown hair and eyes, owns a large company, is socially prominent, has at least one beautiful house, loves the finest in everything, is utterly devoted to pampering me.” This went on and on. Her list was all positives without any negatives. She had a list that no human being could ever fulfill. She was looking for a Hollywood version of her fantasy, but what she kept attracting were men with no jobs or money who wanted her to support them. I received a call from her two years ago: “Dr. Demartini, is there any way you can come to Hawaii for my wedding? I’ve finally found my man!” I couldn’t make it, but in the back of my mind I was thinking that I had to meet this guy.

Sometime later, I was giving a seminar in California and bumped into her so I asked her, “how’s married life?” “Ahhh, he turned out to be another loser. Gotta go. Bye.” She didn’t want to talk about it. I suspect she found out the other side to her fantasy because every human has both positive and negative traits and love is embracing both sides. So the moral of the story? Replace fantasy with fulfillment.

Men have their fantasies too such as ‘she needs to look like the centre spread of Playboy and never grow old’. Hanging onto that dream will cost him love if he stays and money if he goes. If we live by impossible fantasies, we’ll experience extreme emotional swings, instead of balanced love. When fantasies fall apart, people tend to resent someone else for not making it come true. Yet they set themselves up for that disappointment right from the start by denying the negatives, exaggerating the positives and placing the other person on a pedestal. When you recognize that every human displays both positive and negative traits, you can say goodbye to all pedestals and start to enjoy the real joys of being in love.

Q: Can I expect my partner to change?

There’s a funny off-Broadway musical called I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. Sound familiar? Have you ever thought you’d found the perfect mate and then spent the rest of life time trying to “fix” him or her? Futile, isn’t it? If you try to fix or change somebody they’ll just give you resistance, but if you honour and thank them for who they are, as they are, they will react in the opposite and give you assistance. Every human being just wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are.

Q: You often refer to the balance of support and challenge being healthy for a relationship. Explain.

The most successful relationships are ones that are balanced with support and challenge. We need this equilibrium of positive and negative in order to grow and evolve. It is crucial to understand that we all own and display all personality traits in equal quantities. Too often we expect our partner to be a one-sided being, but this leads to frustration, disappointment and withdrawal when your partner inevitably expresses the other side. It is wiser to ask the question “where do I have the trait I am judging my partner for” and “how does my partner expressing that trait benefit me in my day-to-day life”? As long as you answer; ‘I don’t have that trait and it doesn’t benefit me’, you will be caught. But as soon as you break through the limitation of your perception, you will assist your relationship to grow in maturity and mutual appreciation.

Q: To some Valentine’s Day is a cruel reminder of not having a partner. What would you say to all those who dread ‘V’ day?

It is a one-sided perception to think that a relationship will bring you happiness. Haven’t you ever got something you longed for (a new job or house) and instead of being happy you discover another set of crazies, a fresh set of challenges, unexpected problems? There are also negatives to being in a relationship. One of the greatest myths of all time is if I’m not involved with someone, I’ll be lonely. Have you ever been physically close to someone, even in bed with them, and felt a huge distance between you?

When you focus on yourself first, you can walk into a relationship empowered instead of being driven by a sense of need or desperation. A soul mate isn’t someone who gives you what you lack, but instead is a person who you can share your life and dreams with.

Q: What would you say to those people who feel that they are missing love in their life?

When you don’t understand human behavior you can miss the love that surrounds you 24/7. People show their love and appreciation in ways that reflect what is important to them. A father who has a high value on education will buy his child a book containing information sharing what he thinks is valuable to learn. When we give gifts to people don’t we give what we would most love to receive? So when you don’t honor the form of what someone thinks is important, you can miss the depth of love that is being shown to you every day.

Q: Can you give a last bit of advice to our readers?

Love yourself first. This does not mean that you need to build up your self-worth so you appear more attractive. For you to experience the affection that someone else has for you – warts and all, it is wise to cherish yourself fully. That means choosing to see yourself in 360 degrees with your unique expression of every character trait. When you embrace your dark and light, your supposed duality, then you are ready to experience unity. Remember, if you can’t love yourself and if you don’t value yourself then how can you expect someone else to?


HERE are the 10 most destructive relationship myths, adapted from The Heart of Love by Dr John Demartini. He says if you agree with any of the following statements, this generally indicates you are living a fantasy.

  1. A new relationship will make me happy
  2. When I find my soul mate I will feel complete
  3. The right relationship will last forever
  4. Once we get past these rough waters, it will be smooth sailing
  5. A good relationship requires sacrifice
  6. Great sex only happens at the beginning a relationship
  7. In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it
  8. If I’m not involved with someone, I’ll be lonely
  9. Children complete a marriage
  10. Opposites attract

Dr. John Demartini is an international educator specializing in human behavior and social dynamics. He is the founder of the Demartini Institute, author of over 40 books and creator of The Demartini Method™. For more information regarding Dr John Demartini, his live events and products, contact the Demartini Institute: info@drdemartini.co.za or visit www.drdemartini.com

Communication

Getting CLEAR™ in LOVE: 4 Steps to Communicating What You Need & Really Being Heard

 

 

‎”You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don’t think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.

Tony Robbins: Speaker, Trainer, Coach

The decision about who you are right now, in this moment is the most powerful one you can ever make. And especially when things get tough. This decision will determine how to approach the one you love when a difficult conversation is needed, whether you choose to share the deeper feelings inside you – or keep them protected, and if you smile and make eye-contact as you cross paths. It’s the foundation for how you live your life. Think of the descriptive words you’d like others to use to describe you. Are you being those?

A friend once asked me: “What do you want on your grave stone? “I lived as safely as I could”? No. Not for me. And, I’m guessing, not for you.

On the easy days, love can carry us through almost anything. We look at each other and that blissful feeling takes the edge off the fact that the place is a mess. We seem to find the right words at the right time and, perhaps most importantly, with the right tone. We give more, we feel more confident; we’re heard, received and joyfully responded to. But what about the days that are more challenging – when you’re faced with the difficulties that come up in relationships and invite us to really think before we explode?

The question here is: How can you communicate what you need, and truly be heard? The answer is by practicing the skills of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). This skill is vital to a fulfilling intimate relationship. EQ is the ability to make rational choices during emotional times. Emotions are included and taken into consideration, but they don’t get to lead. For example: you’re furious, he’s late again and you wish it didn’t matter, but it does. You have two options: you can allow your emotions to rule and ‘let him have it’ when he gets home or you can learn a new way to inspire a behavior shift by practicing these steps:

Step.1 – BREATHE. Remember counting to 10 as a child? Count to 10 and breathe. Slowly.

Step.2 – Take a moment and choose Who You Want to Be. Commit to bringing your best self.

Step.3 – Find something, anything, positive about him. The cute heart shaped mole on his shoulder or the way he eats spaghetti.

Step.4 – Wait. Wait until you know you are able to start your sentence with some positive i.e.: “Honey, I know you’re working really hard and that you’re doing your best.” Always begin with letting him know you know his intentions are positive. If you can’t do this, wait until you can.

Step.5 – Start with the positive. Let him know what’s working and be very sure that you mean it. No saying stuff just to get to the next part!

Step.6 – Make the request for what you want. “When you’re this late, I feel disappointed. I miss our time together. I start to wonder if you want to spend time with me. What I want is for us to find a way for you to arrive on time, or adjust the time.” Whatever is at the heart of the matter, go deep enough to find it and bring it to the surface. Initially it will feel vulnerable to do so, but it’ll get easier with time and practice!

Step.7 – End with appreciation: “Thank you for hearing this. I love you very much. I know we’ll find a way to work this out.”

I did not say this would be easy but it is worth it. It works for both men and women. Of course, you’ll speak from your heart. The good news is that most of us have positive intention behind our actions. We just mess up now and then. But when the best of us is seen, loved and appreciated we start to perform better. We’re more willing to hear the feedback  and we’re more willing (and likely) to change our behaviors, when we’re feeling understood and accepted. As with anything new, it takes practice. So enjoy the process, let go of any need to be perfect, and be willing to be messy.


Clara Chorley is a humanitarian with a passion, a speaker with a mission and an international entrepreneur. She is the Founder of Clarity Unlimited, and grew this business to over 6-figures in less than 14 months. Clara has traveled and worked across 3 continents and 37 countries, and has created specific strategies to help move people towards professional and personal life satisfaction.

Clara believes that people need to go deep within their own personal selves and Get CLEAR™ about who they are and what they really want. It is when we are clear that we can step up to affect global, local and social change for the good.

In addition to being a successful entrepreneur, Clara Chorley has been a philanthropist and avid volunteer for over 15 years. She is the co-author of the book 15 Winning Ways to Better Living and has been featured in the documentary film “Achieve your Ultimate Success”. Clara has worked with companies as diverse as Fortune 500 company Ernst & Young in the USA; and humanitarian organization The Millennium Project (of The Earth Institute) in Rwanda, Africa. She is trained in Voice Dialogue and a member of National Speaker’s Association.

Please take a moment to email us at: info@ClarityUnlimited.com with your feedback and questions. We’d like to know what was valuable and what you’d like to see more of.

Clara Chorley, CEO & Founder of Clarity Unlimited, www.ClarityUnlimited.com, +1.415.592.0328

Communication, Relationships

5 Tips for Keeping Sane, Happy & Healthy While Planning Your Wedding

Amidst the hundreds of moving parts which need to come together for your wedding day, stress and tension are bound to creep into your life and relationships with your fiancé, family and friends. Dealing with financial issues and family dynamics while planning a major event with your partner can, at times, make you feel like you are inside of a pressure cooker—about to pop. However, if managed well, the stress involved in planning your wedding can be viewed as a positive challenge and can be used as a building block toward creating a solid foundation for your marriage. I’m here to offer some wisdom from the coaches at Joy of Romance, Inc. to keep the joy alive and the challenges at bay from engagement to honeymoon.

1)    Get and Stay Focused.

First things first, get organized from the beginning with a clear list of things that need to be done, budgets that need to be monitored and lists that need to be kept up to date. Choose from an array of online organizers, which include timetables, budget spreadsheets and checklists. The best know free wedding planning tools are by TheKnot.com and MyWedding.com. By keeping these lists online, you will also be able to monitor the items that have been delegated to others. Schedule regular periods throughout the week to update your progress. Have a binder or a portable file folder with hard copies of the lists and any floating papers connected to the wedding.

If you can afford it, call in the experts to help plan and execute your dreams. Wedding planners are there to make sure on your wedding day you get to fully enjoy the beauty of being the bride. The fewer responsibilities you take on as the day approaches, the more fun you will be able to have. That being said, release the reigns and delegate whenever possible. Many friends and family want to help, so it’s a win-win. Let go and trust them with their part.

2)    Master Your Communication and Empathy Skills.

In the beginning, have a conversation and clarify what a wedding means to you and to your partner. Have you had a picture in mind since you were a kid about what your wedding would look like? What are the most important aspects of a wedding to you and your love? Does your vision and your fiancé’s vision blend well together? If not, work on coming to some mutual understanding and create a unified vision before involving anyone else in the planning.

Going forward don’t ask for input from others on topics that aren’t up for discussion. Once you have made up your minds on the key elements of the wedding, kindly convey what you’ve decided to your family and explain to them why it is important. Hopefully, they will see that you were not only thinking of yourselves but gave thought to both families with your decision.

Emily Post recently gave some good advice when she spoke at a conference of wedding planners, she encouraged engaged couples to “openly entertain any idea for five minutes” without judging it. Find out why it’s important to the individual suggesting it. Appreciate their input and when it’s not one of you and your fiancé’s non-flexible points, let them know you will consider their idea. Letting others be involved in the process makes them feel needed and important, thus building good will amongst family members and friends.

Emotions run high around weddings. When there is a sticky subject, always let the individual’s whose family is involved approach their family first without bringing their partner along for the discussion. Recognize when a subject becomes a big deal for a family member, there are often deeper needs and feelings triggering their resistance. It is worth asking them why it matters to them. If you don’t think they feel comfortable or are able to voice their feelings, you might want to provide possible reasons and see if they agree. Once their true feelings and needs are on the table, it becomes easier to make sure their overarching needs are being addressed.

3)    Building Bridges and a Strong Foundation.

A lot of wedding planning advice states, “this is your wedding and you should have it the way you want it.” In fact, if you truly feel that way, it might be best to elope. Weddings are about bringing together two families and many friends to celebrate your love for one another. There are a lot of bridges that can be built during this process if you keep this viewpoint in mind. You have an opportunity to set the stage and create close alliances between your families. Use this precious time wisely.

As a couple, planning your wedding is also an excellent way for you to learn how to work together harmoniously, deal with conflicts proactively, and create a road map for how you will treat one another henceforth when bumps in the road arise. Make sure to avoid any statements or actions that are disrespectful of one another or your relationship. Have the courage to bring any and all significant concerns to the table. This might be a good time to do some relationship counseling, like our coaching package called Rules of Engagement Training to learn each other’s relationship and communication patterns.

4)    Toss Perfection Out the Window.

Often too much weight is put upon the actual wedding day needing to be perfect. From the onset of planning, talk to your partner about what matters most and keep that end goal in the forefront of your minds. Keep it fun, choose to see the challenges as opportunities to grow closer together and strengthen your relationship and enjoy seeing your families come together to celebrate your new life as husband and wife.

Have realistic expectations and know things will not go exactly as planned. There is much to be said for having a point person you trust who will remain calm during the “storm” on the day of your wedding and will be responsible for crisis management so you don’t have to hear about potential problems. Remember some of your fondest memories might actually come from the unexpected twists of fate that might occur that day. Choose to let go of anything that isn’t going “as planned” and stay focused on celebrating your love.

5)    Know Your Limits and Schedule Romance.

Be aware of the signs of excess stress, like irritability, fatigue, trouble sleeping, stomach issues and headaches. If you begin feeling overwhelmed or stressed, schedule some quality time to take care of yourself. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first. Keep up with the basics: eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise, avoid excess caffeine, alcohol and sweets, and get good sleep. Do a little extra pampering when tension is high. Go watch the sunset, get your nails done, do some meditating or schedule a massage.

Create love rituals. Start by discovering what you and your partner’s love languages are. Feel free to email me at Joy of Romance to get a short quiz or read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” to learn which are your top two languages. The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts and physical touch. It’s important to know both of your love languages because that is the most effective and efficient way you and your partner should be expressing your love to one another. As a couple, it’s important to incorporate those ways of giving love in order to feel truly loved and appreciated.

On top of designing rituals around your love languages, it’s fun to incorporate doing the simple things that are good for both of you and will help you build a healthy life together. You can keep the stress levels down by exercising together, taking turns giving each other massages, grocery shopping and cooking healthy meals together, walking after dinner, stretching and learning how to dance together, if you don’t already know how. By having a healthy set of love rituals in place now, it will be easier to keep them up once you are married.

Hopefully utilizing these tips will help keep you sane, healthy and happy during your wedding planning!


Joy M. Nordenstrom is founder of Joy of Romance, Inc., a certified matchmaker, relationship coach, wedding proposal planner and special romantic event and vacation planner. Joy emphasizes making relationship maintenance fun, sexy and intelligent by educating individuals on a practical, scientific and passionate-based approach to maintaining their romantic relationships.

Joy received an MBA in Entrepreneurship, and a BA in both Communications and Economics, with a minor in Psychology. All degrees are from Mills College in Oakland. Joy is a certified matchmaker from the Matchmaking and Behavioral Science Institute in New York City.

Joy coaches internationally via Skype and in-person locally in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is a new mother and lives with her fiancé and their son in Sausalito.

To learn more, visit www.joyofromance.com, follow @joyofromance on Twitter, become a fan at Joy of Romance fan page on Facebook, subscribe to the vodcast Intelligent Love: 411 for Men on iTunes and/or email directly at joy@joyofromance.com.

2269 Chestnut Street, Suite 330
San Francisco, CA 94123
415.602.1999
joy@joyofromance.com
joyofromance.com

 

Exercise, Food

Feed Your Metabolism to Burn Excess Bodyfat

Over the past two decades, many of us have bought into the idea that carbohydrates give us energy, fat makes us fat, and protein—in excess—causes kidney damage. If the matter were this simple, you would think that we would have solved the obesity epidemic long ago. Such is obviously not the case.

When it comes to the way you presently look, feel, and perform, the foods and nutrients you choose to fuel your metabolism can make all the difference in how much energy you have and how much body fat you carry around. Let’s take a closer look at the three macronutrients—carbs, fats, and protein—to see how the right choices from each group can supercharge your metabolism.

The first rule of metabolic success is to avoid refined carbohydrates at all costs. Instead of consuming fibre-rich carbohydrates like organic fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, North Americans often substitute these foods with overly processed white- and cornmeal-based flours. Yet all these processed-carbs do is generate a hyper state of insulin release. Whenever we overly stimulate the hormone insulin, we end up causing our bodies to go into primarily a fat storage mode, all the while making it next to impossible for our metabolisms to use fat for energy. The key is to limit these health-stripping carbs and increase levels of high-fibre/high-antioxidant carbs, which research has shown can lower insulin and enhance our metabolism, which makes burning fat a whole lot easier.

Not all fats make us fat. In fact, research indicates that the right fats can actually enhance our ability to use fat for energy. These fats—called omega-3 fatty acids, found primarily in wild fish oils—are believed to exert their metabolism enhancing effects by blocking inflammatory messages produced by our fat cells. Researchers from the University of Texas have discovered that fat cells produce a number of inflammation-related molecules as well as the hormone resistin that is associated with insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes (two conditions linked to obesity). Essential fats can help control these metabolism-destroying molecules.

When looking to maintain or enhance your overall metabolism, the right proteins can make all the difference. Protein offers you the unique advantage of being the most thermogenically active of the three macronutrients. Thermogenesis is a fancy word for more heat, and the more thermogenic a food is, the easier it is for your body to burn fat. Aside from this, protein stimulates the hormone glucagon, which enhances levels of a metabolic enzyme called HSL that allows for continual fat release and energy production.

Along with short bouts of high-intensity exercise, choosing the best food sources of all three macronutrients is a simple way to fuel your metabolism and supercharge your life potential.

Metabolism-boosting foods
  • Metabolic carbs include: broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, celery, peppers, all leafy greens such as kale and chard, all berries, grapefruit, oranges, kiwis, and organic whole grains.
  • Metabolic fats include: wild fish oil, flaxseed oil, hemp oil, most seeds and nuts (within moderation), and extra virgin olive oil.
  • Metabolic proteins include: high-alpha whey isolates, game meat and grass-fed beef, free-run poultry, organic eggs, and hemp protein.

Brad King, MS, MFS, a nutritional researcher and award winning formulator has been touted as one of the most influential health mentors of our time. He is the author of 10 books, including Fat Wars, Beer Belly Blues and Losing Fat for Life. Visit him on Facebook @ Transforming Health with Brad King or on his website @ www.AwakenYourBody.com.

Relationships

Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice

  1. Appropriate Timing is Essential. Don’t ask a man to do something that he is obviously about to do. If he is going to the store to pick up those couple of needed items don’t ask him to go immediately. Timing is crucial. If he is focused on something at the moment don’t expect him to go right away.
  1. Have a Non-Demanding Attitude. Remember that a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how cautiously you choose your words, he will feel unappreciated for what he has already done and will probably say no to your request.
  1. Whenever Possible, Be Brief. Avoid giving a list of reasons why you need his help. Assume that he doesn’t need to be convinced. The more time you take to explain yourself the more his resistance will grow. Long explanations make him feel as though you don’t trust him to support you. What you don’t want is for him to feel manipulated as opposed to having your trust that he will indeed rise to the occasion and help meet your needs.
  1. Always Be Direct. Venusians commonly make the mistake of thinking that they are asking for support when to a Martian they are not. Often women will present a problem rather than directly asking for support. She expects that her man will offer his support without being directly asked. Here’s a good example of being brief and direct as opposed to being indirect. You don’t want to say, “We haven’t gone out in weeks.” To a man that’s not a request it’s a complaint that says, “You have been neglecting me.” Simply say, “Would you take me out this weekend to a movie.”  Don’t say “The backyard looks like a mess.” Rather state directly, “Would you cut the grass?” or “Would you rake the leaves?” Bottom line, you want to be sure that what you are saying is stated in the form of a request and not a complaint.
  1. Try Always to Use the Right Choice of Words. One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can in place of would and will. “Could you empty the trash?” is merely a question. “Would you empty the trash?” is a request. Women often come to a point where they become reluctant to ask for support because they have gotten responses like, “Don’t nag me,” or, “Stop telling me what to do.”

In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of a comment, what he really means is, “I don’t like the way I’m being asked.” Men don’t like a subtle approach, “Can you fix up the yard.” Of course they can do that. Rather they want to be asked to do it because you want it done. “Please rake and bag the leaves this weekend,” is a direct request. It’s not a plea, it’s not manipulative, it’s a simple and clear directive.

The more honest and direct you can be the more likely you are in all instances of getting the support you seek


John Gray, Ph.D. is the leading relationship expert in the world and one of the best-selling relationship authors of all time.

John helps men and women understand, respect and appreciate their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance.  His many books, videos, workshops and seminars provide practical insights to effectively manage stress and improve relationships at all stages of life and love.

John’s books have sold over 50 million copies in 50 different languages. His groundbreaking book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, was the best-selling book of the 1990s. It launched his Mars Venus book series that forever changed the way men and women view their relationships.

John Gray lives in Northern California with his wife of 26 years, Bonnie. They have three grown daughters and three grandchildren.  He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.

Communication, Relationships

How Failure Creates Happy Couples

“I’m so sorry, honey,” he muttered with slight embarrassment, “I thought you were being thoughtless and deliberately coming home late again.”

When our partners do something we don’t like it’s easy to bring up the other times this has happened and assume we’re being treated poorly. However, rarely are those who are not meeting our hopes and expectations doing so deliberately. They’ve just made a mistake. They’ve failed.

The times when people behave badly deliberately are usually motivated by hurt feelings or unmet needs; and honest, open conversations can get to the bottom of this. In relationships there has to be room to mess up, think about me rather than you, and have things happening in my life that get in the way of the promise I made to you. For trust and intimacy to deepen there has to be room for failure, followed by forgiveness.

SCENARIO

My intention is to be home for dinner at 6pm. On the way I notice I need gas and oh, I’ll get a bottle of wine to surprise the man I love, which means I roll in at 6:30. Late again. The other day I was late due to a work delay, and the time before that my friend Debbie called with an emergency, and the time before that I just completely spaced out. To me, these are all very different experiences. On every occasion I felt terrible, like I’d failed and did my best to get home as soon as possible. The man I love sees one thing: I’m consistently late and he’s feeling unimportant.

QUIZ

If you’re the one coming home late, what approach from the person you love would work better?

A) You walk in the door and they loudly say “I’m sick and tired of you acting like I’m not important.”
B) You walk in the door and they give you the cold shoulder.
C) You walk in the door and they walk out.
D) You walk in the door, they give you a big hug and ask gently: “What happened?! I know you’re doing your best to get home on time.”

Most of us would prefer option D. We’ve done our best and still failed, which feels bad. Having our good intentions acknowledged can lead to a much more enjoyable evening and give us room to be honest if we were being a bit thoughtless. Failure is normal and part of being human. We have to get things wrong in order to learn, and this applies to all of life. You’re destined to make some mistakes, whether or not you’ve done this before. The question is how do we embrace and get comfortable with owning our errors, and our partners’ mistakes?

 

The first step is the hardest, and that is to decide what type of friend/lover/wife/husband we want to be. Not because we ‘should’ be more forgiving, curious, and caring but because we want to be.

The second step is easier: ask questions, be committed to getting curious about why your partner did something, rather than deciding for them.

The third step is even easier: choose to believe what they share with you, be willing to step into their shoes and see the world through their eyes.

The final step is the most fun: Tell them you get it. You understand. And check in that they understand your perspective. It can actually be quite enlightening to sit together, see two sides and have both be true!

Failure becomes a great way to know each other more deeply, love more honestly, and experience greater acceptance. If that sounds good to you, then you’ll probably relish practicing the steps above. In the words of actor Will Smith’s grandmother: “Don’t let failure go to your heart, and don’t let success go to your head.” Ah, wise woman.


Clara Chorley is the CEO and Founder of Clarity Unlimited. She has an extensive and unique background as an international business consultant and coach, speaker, humanitarian, and explorer. Clara grew up in England, has lived all over the world but now resides in San Francisco. She has traveled and worked all over, helping increase the leadership effectiveness of a number of top tier companies. Clara believes that putting people first is foundational to the successful implementation of any organization’s vision. Developed over two decades, Clara’s powerful 4-step process: The T.U.R.N.™ has helped thousands of professionals transform counterproductive  behaviors into invaluable skills for greater clarity, focus and action. In addition to being a successful entrepreneur, Clara Chorley is been an avid volunteer. She is author of the book “The T.U.R.N ™” and has been featured in the documentary film “Achieve Your Ultimate Success”.  She is trained in Voice Dialogue, is a certified facilitator, and member of the National Speakers Association.

Money

Don’t Let Money Ruin Your Love

Meet Joshua and Kat. At twenty-nine I can hear the warmth of their love in their voices on the phone; these two are just three months away from their dream wedding. They described how every detail is planned to perfection, from the rich red rose bridal bouquet and accent colors to the song for their first dance as a newly wedded couple. They have invested time energy and money into the wedding but what about their marriage? Have they prepared for a happy future or are they gambling with their love and their future like so many couples?

During my “For Better” tele-seminar Joshua and Kat sounded almost confused as to why they are registered. “Well, his mother thought it might be a good idea.” Kat shared with the rest of the class a little bashfully. “It will put her mind at ease. I don’t think we really need this seminar” Josh adds .

As I begin working with the class on their ‘Love and Money Report Card’ it turns out, Joshua and Kat like a lot of couples have some seriously different views on money.

“Oh, but we love each other so we can figure all that out later, can’t we? It’ll work itself out.” Joshua insists.

Wrong! Failing to address the differences in your love and money patterns before the big day puts you and your partner on the fast track to a toxic relationship. Research shows that arguments over money are the #1 cause of conflict leading to divorce. Joshua and Kat’s laissez-faire approach to their obviously different financial attitudes are likely to get them into big trouble.

Do you want to know the best thing you can do to protect your love? Write this down and keep it handy, there are 50% fewer divorces for those who do premarital training; because when we learn better we do better.

Joshua and Kat continued their seminar over the phone for the next six weeks. Following are 3 of the secrets I taught them in my six-week “For Better”, pre-marriage tele-seminar. You can use them right now to keep your love and money growing healthy and strong!

  1. What is your money mental pattern? Ask yourself what was my mother’s favorite saying about money? What was your father’s favorite saying about money? We learn our money patterns from the adults around us when we are little. It turns out that Joshua’s mother always said in a very angry way, “do you think money grows on trees?” While Kat’s mom said money was meant to be enjoyed and she would go out on shopping binges and come home and hide the bags from Kat’s dad.  I’ll bet you can guess their patterns. Kat is super careful because she doesn’t want to be like her mom and is very controlling with money. Josh on the other hand avoids dealing with money, he doesn’t want to deal with it unless he is forced to.

    Now, write your belief about money down, does it match your parents’ beliefs, or did you choose to go the opposite direction? Opposite may be too far, as you will see when I give Josh and Kat their love and money report card.

  2. What is your money emotional pattern? Do you feel confident, or anxious, vague or clear about money, feel lacking or abundant? Our about to be married couple were opposites in their feelings, Kat felt confident and in control and Josh felt anxious and vague.
  3. What is your money communication pattern? How did your parents discuss money, openly, not all or it was a source of conflict? Joshua’s mom was a single mom with a lot of responsibility on her shoulders and his dad contributed very little. They were always in conflict as she tried to get dad to help financially. Kat’s parent’s never talked openly about money but quietly seethed, with her dad making cutting comments about her mom’s spending when it was time to pay the bills.

At the beginning of our 6 week seminar Josh didn’t want to talk about money and neither did Kat.

Here is Kat and Joshua’s report card when we started. The report card measures how much the patterns match and how much potential they have for conflict.

money mental pattern  = D
very different , high potential for conflict

money emotional pattern = C
opposites, he is vague and anxious and she is confident and controlling, high potential for conflict

money communication skills = D
neither of them wanted to talk about money, very high potential for unspoken conflict that will come out eventually, either in words or actions.

Why didn’t they just get Fs? Because they had the courage to register for the seminar and to do something proactive to build the skills they need to deal with money when they get married.

Ready for the Love and Money intervention?

Once you can see a pattern you can change it. First, I got Kat and Josh started by asking them to write the new love and money patterns they really wanted in their marriage. Second they practiced sharing their feelings about money in a safe and skilful way. They also practiced the love and money resolution steps which put love first and allow your joint money goals to support your love and happiness.

These tips are a great start to your pre-marriage work, but just like Kat and Josh who invested an hour per week for six weeks there’s much more to learn. Because there aren’t any classes that teach you how to prepare for marriage, I want to change that, and I’m going to start with you. As my wedding gift to you, I’m giving you the complete Love and Money Report Card to help you start your new life with the skills you need to be happy together. After you go to my website and take the free Report Card, I’m also going to give you the 7 Secrets to Creating Healthy Love and Money. Use these tools to figure out where you and your partner differ and then sign up for some pre-marriage training. It doesn’t have to be my “For Better” Seminars, just find one and be prepared for a lifetime of healthy love and money.

Blessings & Congratulations


Dr. Brenda Wade regularly appears on CNN and NBC’s Today Show as a psychology expert along with appearing on Oprah, Dr. Oz, and Good Morning America, she hosted both the nationally syndicated Can This Marriage Be Saved? and Power Choices. A regular contributor to Essence magazine and other major publications, she also hosts Black Renaissance on the CW network, as well as co-hosts Healing Quest on national PBS. Dr. Brenda Wade founded the Love Money & SEVA Seminars, creating exciting breakthroughs with participants around the world, as well as guides  the international Power Coaches Program. She is also a published author of four books.

Communication, Money

Living an Inspired Life Together

Now that you have had or you are planning your perfect wedding day it’s time to plan to live a rich, full and delicious lifestyle?
I have an experiential exercise that I have taught to thousands of people in many countries all over the planet that has profoundly impacted many couples to live a prosperous and abundant lifestyle.
Here is what I would like you to do. I want you to sit down with your partner and use your creativity and imagination just like when you were a little girl or boy growing up. I want you to suspend any disbelief and thinking “how are we going to do this?” and “How will we create that?” and “Where is the money going to come from to pay for it all?” Just be like a little kid dreaming of bright and possible future.

I want you to think and feel where would you love to travel to on the planet and what would you love to see, feel, hear and experience; and start writing them down on paper. Map out the most inspiring places on the planet that you could possibly go and visit. Because when you surround yourself with things that inspire you then you will live an inspired life together.
Where would you like to go and explore across the planet? How about going scuba diving or snorkeling in Australia? Exploring the Great Barrier Reef? Planning a trip to go over to London, England and touring some of the old churches, museums and art galleries, Take a photo of the two of you standing in front of Big Ben, hopes on a train or a bus and going to explore the original statue of Michelangelo’s David which is located in the museum Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, Italy. Then it’s off to hear the roar of the engines of the Monaco Grand Prix Car Race! This will definitely get your husband’s attention, feeling the power and sound of these engines.

How about taking a romantic dinner boat cruise down the Nile River for a memorable evening? How about going on an adventure to one of the most romantic Restaurants on the planet? It’s located in the beautiful Canadian Rockies. Imagine having lunch or dinner at Canada’s highest-elevation restaurant, the Eagle’s Eye towers above the Kicking Horse Resort in Golden, British Columbia. Diners take the ski gondola 1,200m (3,936 ft.) up to 2,410m (7,905 ft.) above sea level to reach this dining room with a 360-degree view of the nearby Rocky, Selkirk, and Purcell mountain ranges. This will be a “Mark the Moment” day. After lunch or dinner you can sit by the fire and read each other a poem or gaze into each other’s eyes and tell each other “The Gift I see in you is…” and the other person sits and listens and can only respond with “Thank you”.

How about planning a trip to the beautiful Sunshine Coast of British Columbia. Who knows – you might see a killer whale or two or some beautiful birds and sea life animals.
How about planning your second anniversary by going to Niagara Falls or to the top of the CN Tower in Toronto, Ontario? Dog sledding in Canmore, Alberta for an afternoon of fun, excitement and adventure? Planning a shopping trip to New York or over to Paris for a fun weekend getaway?

Think ahead and it’s now your fifth anniversary together – what about going to a Sandals Resort or a Club Med. If you have children try a Beaches Resort which is perfect for a family vacation.

Have you ever thought about traveling to Africa and going on a African Safari together and possibly experiencing up close and in person lions, cheetahs, tigers and giraffes? Have you ever wanted to go and catch a live show on the strip in Las Vegas or attend an opera or who is your favourite singer or band? How about getting tickets and sitting up close?

How about hiking the West Coast Trail on beautiful Vancouver Island. Have you thought about space travel with Sir Richard Brandon’s Virgin Galactic? How about attending a First Nations or Native American Sweat Lodge Ceremony or attending a traditional Pow Wow? Have you thought about going and seeing and experiencing a live hockey, football, soccer, wrestling, or golf game before. Would you want to go on a yoga or spiritual retreat someone or a silent mediation?

Deep inside our heart and soul, we have a purpose and we have dreams, visions and callings and inspiring places we would love to visit on the planet that we would love to bring into reality. But along the journey of creating our dreams we occasionally run into mental, emotional, or physical roadblocks. These roadblocks or chaotic hindering can arise from not having our life organized. So many people don’t plan to fail they just fail to plan. As you start to build your lives together it is important to have a direction of focus of where you would like to go in your lives. Remember relationships and life has its peaks and its valleys. It’s important that you create and live an inspired life together because over time if you decide to have children or already have children you want to be positive role models to your children. Let this exercise awaken you to possibility of creating and living an inspired life together.  Writing or typing is the first step in making intangible ideas become tangible realities. Masters of who create inspiring lives focus on the ever-finer details. No one will build your dreams for you. Dream building is up to you.  Write out where we would love to go on the planet. Clarity of vision and intensity of consistent action produces amazing results.


Biography of Darren Jacklin

Darren Jacklin displays his uncanny ability to increase income, wealth, and success by uncovering hidden assets, overlooked opportunities and undervalued possibilities has captured the attention and respect of NBC, CBS, Sharing Success TV, The Manifest-Station TV, authors, entrepreneurs and marketing experts world-wide.

For almost two decades, Darren has traveled the planet and dedicated his life to discovering the most advanced principles for producing specific and measurable accelerated results. As a World Authority on “Making Your Dreams Real” he has trained personnel from more than 130 Fortune 500 companies such as Microsoft, AT&T, Air Canada, as well as high school and professional athletes from more than 36 countries.

Darren is known around the world as the Mega Manifestor. Tell Darren what you really, really, REALLY want in your personal or professional life and he can show you how to get it! He has helped people to manifest dream jobs, relationships, joint venture partners, automobiles, vacations and so much more.

Darren is deeply committed to personally impacting lives. His goal is to reach and impact more than 100 million peoples’ lives each month.

Darren Jacklin
World Class Professional Speaker, Corporate Trainer, Best-Selling Author, Television Celebrity
1.415.592.0356 Office
1.888.423.5932 Toll-Free in Canada/USA

http://www.DarrenJacklin.com

Relationships

Learn to Love and Grow Your Marriage

 

Dear Brides and Grooms,

You are about to become husband and wife. Marriage is one of the best personal investments of your life. Research shows that married people enjoy greater levels of health, wealth and of course happiness. Now I’m going to help you protect your vital investment. Like anything else in life, it takes skills and education to be a successful wife or a husband, but most couples get their marriage licenses without having to pass a skill test. Would you like to learn how to create a marriage that grows, pays huge rewards, and lasts a lifetime?

In the next five minutes, you will read secrets which I normally spent three days or three months of coaching to teach my clients (and what I’ve spend the past 25 years teaching in person and on television).

The first thing couples in trouble say to me when they sit down in my office is, “we’ve grown apart.” But I want you to know that it is possible to grow together. In fact, couples who get qualified premarital coaching have two-thirds fewer divorces.

Here are the four secrets to growing your love over a lifetime: Insight, Skill, Action and Practice.

Insight – what do you believe about the most impactful aspects of your marriage – money, sex, and power? Whether you like it or not, we all form beliefs about life when we are children that then become hardwired patterns in our brains. The good news is that the brain is a programmable tool and you can change your beliefs. Follow these three simple steps.

  1. Write down what you learned about those three important areas – money, sex and power — as well as what you believe about women, men and love relationships. Hint: what was your parents’ marriage like? What are their beliefs in these areas? Take a look at your life; do you see patterns that you’ve been repeating? Nobody’s bad or good; we are just products of what we had a chance to learn.
  2. Take your old beliefs and change them to new positive beliefs that you want to see in your marriage life.
  3. Talk these over with your mate to build understanding and support to make these changes.

Skill – do you know how to talk things out to find solutions, prevent conflicts, and keep energy high and hot? In communicating about “touchy issues” or when you are upset, start with a soft open (i.e. I love you and I’m so glad we can talk things out together when we need to,) proceed to talk about how you feel with ‘I’ messages. Avoid ‘You’ messages, which tend to be blaming.

You might say, “I feel sad,” or “I feel hurt.” Then m­­­ake a request such as, “would you mind helping me take out the trash?” Close softly by reaffirming your love and faith in your mate and your relationship.

Action – these actions are marriage insurance:

  1. Create a plan for your life together, set your intentions physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. How do you want it to look and feel in those four areas?
  2. Write it down and create action steps to achieve those goals.
  3. Get support. None of us can achieve our dreams alone.

Practice – You know practice makes perfect and the same goes with your marriage. Every single day you should take time to share and connect with your partner. Make it a point to take a class once a year and regularly read books to grow your marriage, money and parenting skills. This is why I created the annual Love, Money & Seva Summit – to help couples grow together.

The more you grow together, the more energy you replenish in yourself and the more love you will experience as a couple. Being of service to one another, family, friends and community is strong glue for a fulfilling marriage. Go to www.loveandmoneysummit.com for more information.


Dr. Brenda Wade regularly appears on CNN and NBC’s Today Show as a psychology expert.  Featured on shows such as Oprah and Good Morning America, she hosted both the nationally syndicated Can This Marriage Be Saved? and the national PBS Pledge Special Power Choices. A regular contributor to Essence magazine and other major publications, she also hosts Black Renaissance on the CW network. Dr. Brenda facilitates exciting breakthrough retreats around the world and guides the international Power Coaches Program. Dr. Brenda has also authored four books: Power Choices: 7 Signposts on Your Journey to Wholeness, Joy, Love and Peace, Love Lessons, What Mama Couldn’t Tell Us About Love, and 99 Things You Wish You Knew Before Falling In Love.

Dr. Brenda founded of the Love, Money & Seva Summit which takes place every Labor Day weekend and the Power Coaches Program which provides holistic breakthrough coaching services internationally. Power Coaches use unique techniques to create immediate and lasting behavior change and help their clients to lead awake and powerful lives.


www.docwade.com | www.loveandmoneysummit.com

Intimacy, Relationships

How to Have More Fulfilling Relationships and How to Create More Love in Your Life

By Dr John Demartini: Human behavioural specialist, educator, internationally published author and sought-after authority on maximising human awareness and potential. www.drdemartini.com

Between positively and negatively charged particles is a center point of light. Between positively and negatively charged emotions is the center point of love. The center point is what every human being already is, yet elusively still seeks. True love is our ultimate objective, whether we’re aware of it or not. We may think we’re looking for something else, something material and fleeting, but even the pursuit of transient goals just leads us back to the truth of love. The purpose of all relationships is to dissolve the barriers that keep us from recognizing the love that already is and expressing the love we ultimately are.

We each have a hierarchy of values or priorities; from the things we think are extremely important, all the way down to the things we think don’t matter. Your priorities or values dictate your destiny. Anything that supports your highest values you call “good” and are attracted to; anything that challenges them you call “bad” and are repelled by.  Your values are based on the perception that something is missing, that a void exists. But actually nothing is missing, it’s just in a form you haven’t recognized.  You think you’re missing it; therefore, you seek it, and anything you think supports that search you call good and anything that challenges it you call bad. Our values determine the way in which we conduct our relationships.

There are three ways to conduct a relationship, and each one has an entirely different outcome.  A careless relationship is one in which you project and focus on your own values without considering your partner at all.  A careful relationship is when you think in terms of your partner’s values without considering your own…this one is called “walking on eggshells”.  Both are one-sided approaches that ignore the other person and create tension in the relationship.  But a caring relationship is one where you communicate your values in terms of theirs. You think of both sides simultaneously, expressing your love for yourself and each other. The definition of caring is knowing someone well enough to know their values and caring enough to express your values in terms of theirs.  Whenever something supports your values, you take away the rules, and when something challenges your values, you set rules. Nations do it, companies do it and you do it in relationships. You set up rules when your values feel threatened. Knowing both yours and your partner’s values assists you in mastering the art of communication. When you communicate with them, you want to make sure that you communicate what is important to you in a way that links with what is important to them. When someone takes the time to communicate in your values you are inspired to participate in the dialogue. When someone doesn’t communicate in your values, you switch off and the conversation becomes a monologue.

Often when we’re in a relationship, we unwisely think the other person is supposed to be like us but if any two people are exactly the same, one of them is unnecessary.  The purpose of a relationship is to teach us to love the parts we’ve disowned.  Each person has their own unique set of values and no two people have the same set.

Each person expresses love through his or her own values. A father who has a high value on education will express his love by purchasing his child a book containing information he thinks is valuable to learn. A mother who values beauty will show her love by helping her daughters or sons become more physically appealing. When we give gifts to people don’t we often give what we would most love to receive? When we honor our partner’s value system, we realize that we’re surrounded by love in forms we sometimes don’t even recognize.

So you are probably wondering how to identify yours and your partner’s values? Your life demonstrates what is truly most important to you. People will often tell you what they think is important but what they take action on every day is what is really important to them. We make time for what is important to us so if we value our relationships, we will sacrifice things that are lower on our priorities to spend time with the people we value. If however we value work and not relationships, then we will sacrifice relationships to spend our time working.

To determine your values ask yourself the following questions from The Demartini Value Determination Process™. When answering these questions, make sure your answers are what your life truly demonstrates:

  1. What do you fill your space with? Have a look at what you have in your office or in your home and see what you display in your most valued space.
  2. How do you spend your time? We always allocate time for things that are important to us so our days are divided up with our priorities. If something is not important we keep putting it off until tomorrow.
  3. How do you spend your energy? You always have energy for things that inspire you. Have a look at where you feel most vital and enthused in your day to day activities.
  4. What do you spend your money on? You will feel reluctant to spend money on things you perceive as unimportant. If something means something to you, you will always figure a way to pay for it.
  5. Where are you most organized? Everyone has areas of order and areas of disorder in their lives. The things that are important to you, you will spend time organizing.
  6. Where you are most disciplined and reliable? If something is important to you, you will be dedicated to doing it.
  7. What do you think about or focus on most? Your mind will always focus on the things that mean something to you. You may be distracted by a phone-call or a television program but your mind will constantly wander back to the area of highest importance.
  8. What do you envision or dream about most? What you envision and dream about will be in alignment with what is important to you.
  9. What do you internally dialogue about most (what you talk to yourself about most)? We all speak to ourselves and we dialogue internally about what is most important to us.
  10. What do you externally dialogue about most? Every person wants to communicate what is most important to them. If someone discusses something we don’t want to hear we will try to change the conversation to what is important to us.
  11. What are you inspired about most? We are inspired by the areas of life that mean something to us so if we value children, then we will be inspired by what children do. If we value business then we will be inspired by achievements in business.
  12. What do you set goals towards most? We will be willing to stretch towards goals that have meaning for us.

To discover what someone else’s values are, you just need to apply the same 12 questions and observe what their life is demonstrating. What do they talk about most, what do they spend their time doing, where are they most organized and disciplined, what do they spend money on and what do they fill their space with.

Once you know your values and your partner’s values, you have the key and potential to dissolving any tensions you may perceive in your relationship by simply asking how what they are doing is assisting you in the areas that are your highest values. Whenever you perceive that what someone else is inspired by supports your values, you open up to them. If you perceive that a person’s values challenge what is important to you, then you will resist them and want to change them to be more like you.

 The secret to a fulfilling relationship lies in your heart. You only require the courage to open it. Make sure you love yourself first.  If you’re not appreciating and loving the true you, it is probably not any easier for others to love you. For you to experience the affection that someone else has for you – warts and all, it is wise to cherish yourself fully. That means choosing to see yourself in 360 degrees with your unique expression of every character trait.  When you equally embrace your dark and light, your positive and negative, or both sides of your supposed duality, then you are ready to experience the truth and unity of love.  Remember, if you can’t love yourself, if you don’t value yourself and if you wouldn’t want to make love with you then how can you expect someone else to?

Dr John Demartini: Human behavioural specialist, educator, internationally published author and sought-after authority on maximising human awareness and potential. www.drdemartini.com