It Just Didn’t Work Out: 3 Myths that destroy love

How many times have you heard someone say “it just didn’t work out” when they chose to get divorced?

Or maybe you’ve heard my other favorite; “we grew apart”.  Right up in the top three is; “we fell out of love”. I’m so sorry but that is a crock of nonsense! There is no “IT”, and we don’t just grow apart, nor do we just fall in and out of love. Each of these crazy statements are part of a myth that destroys love.

For thirty years, I have trained, researched, studied and with the top scientists, experts and spiritual teachers around the world, to learn all I could about creating healthy passionate love. Why? Because I failed at love and made every mistake you can make and I was determined to learn better so I could do better in my own life and so I could share what I’ve learned with you.

As a result of years of hard work, I created Modern Love Training where I have now coached thousands of couples in our Programs and Systems; there isn’t space here to share even a fraction of the great tools or many breakthrough practices our students master, though I can tell you there have been many spectacular successes.  Here is one story to inspire you and give you a great start on creating your own lasting True Love.

One couple Tessa and Parker were on the brink of divorce because “it” wasn’t working out when they came to a Modern Love Training and quickly learned there is no IT! There are either two people willing to invest in a great marriage or not. They got to work and discovered the answers to the emotional and sexual distance in their marriage.

First, Tessa had been emotionally and verbally abused by her parents who yelled at her, called her names and caused an innocent child to feel worthless and unlovable. She loved her husband but couldn’t accept his love, so she shut him out emotionally and sexually. She said over and over “I don’t know why you bother”.

Second, Parker had grown up with a dad who traveled for work and a mom who covered everything in dad’s many absences. He thought women should be self-sufficient and men could go off and as he put it “do their thing” and all would be fine. He didn’t know how to help Tessa or get closer to her, so he did what his dad did just got more and more distant.

There are currently five “love labs” in the US researching what we do that breaks down our marriages and what we must do to build them stronger and stronger. Based on these findings I have created a system called the “True Love Daily 5.”

What Tessa and Parker learned:

  1. How to spot the “toxic Love” patterns they learned in childhood and how they used them in their marriage.
  2. How to identify and then share the feelings they experienced as children. Parker was surprised to learn how much he really missed his dad growing up. He wanted to be a more connected husband and father to the baby they were expecting.
  3. They both realized they hadn’t learned how to talk about their feelings or needs and instead shut down and shut one another out.
  4. They sealed the exits and made a choice to each take responsibility to create the kind of marriage they really wanted and wrote down exactly what they each wanted.
  5. They committed to practice “the True Love Daily 5”

Loving touch, hugs kisses and cuddling are golden

Express loving words, especially admiration and appreciation

Ask what do you need from me today to feel happy and loved?

Write a gratitude list every night of 5 things they are grateful for in their marriage and one another Do a spiritual practice together every day, pray, meditate, read from a holy book, watch a sunset or sunrise anything inspiring and uplifting counts.

Tessa and Parker aren’t the only who created the marriage of their dreams. We had another couple join our coaching program who had actually been divorced for five years. They said they had grown apart but still loved one another. My response was why don’t you put your time and energy into growing together? They did, and got remarried and are still living happily together.

Brides and grooms, if you are wondering what to do right now to create the deeply connected passionate marriage you want and how to keep it growing every year, here is my advice. Start now. Commit right now to a “True Love daily 5”. Take premarital training. Why? Because there are 50% fewer divorces for those couples that train ahead of time. That will save you time energy and money later, right? Then every year, get a tune-up; your marriage is at least as important as your car, right?

Take action now and I’ll send you a great wedding gift, “The True Love, Great Marriage Kit” It’s a live teleseminar with me as your coach! Just send me an email at:

Love and blessings, Dr. Brenda

Dr. Wade Image

Dr. Brenda Wade
Nationally recognized relationship expert, author, and trainer

Creator and founder of the Love, Money & Seva Seminars and Power Coaching and Training International, Dr. Wade ignites change and transformation in the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every year. Employing her unique blend of Psychology, Science and Spirituality, she has become “one of the most renowned psychologists in America,” earning numerous awards for her TV programs, best-selling books and breakthrough seminars and trainings.

Media: Co-hosting her first television show: HELP! at age 16, Dr. Wade has been transforming lives over the airwaves ever since. She hosted four national television shows, two in syndication, and two for PBS television. As a popular and dynamic guest expert on shows like Oprah, The Today Show, Good Morning America, and most recently, Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew, she connects with the audience.

Author: Dr. Wade, author of four ground-breaking books, including: 99 Things You Wish You Knew Before Falling In Love, Power Choices: 7 Milestones on Your Journey to Wholeness, Love, Joy and Peace, What Mama Couldn’t Tell Us About Love, and Love Lessons: A Guide to Transforming Relationships., (the latter two co-written with journalist Brenda Lane Richardson). He on-the-money, sometimes in your face advice, regularly appears in: Essence, “O”, Ebony, Ladies Home Journal, Jet, Heart & Soul and Bridal Fantasy magazines, and Huffington Post.


Dream Building for Two

Remember when you were little and you wanted that favourite bike or Barbie doll?  You dreamt of what would be under the tree on Christmas morning or what your birthday present would be—not to mention who would be your secret valentine.

Somewhere within you, you’ve recognized a call to a greater life. It beckons you into a magnificent version of yourself, who you are capable of becoming and of how you really want to live. Dream Building is a creative and imaginative way of exploring and deciding what it is that you want in this life personally and professionally. As a child, you were great at Dream Building, in fact, for many of us, it was all we did. How many of us were chastised for daydreaming in class throughout our early school years. Dream Building was conditioned out of us until most of us could no longer do it. Well, there’s one advantage to being an adult and that is that you get to recondition yourself and tap into long forgotten and unused talents such as using your imagination to build your dreams.

Most people don’t know what they really, really want after college or university or after they graduate from high school. And if they don’t graduate, they may be lost and confused about the direction or path in their life. Why? It’s not because they don’t want to achieve more, it’s because they don’t know how or where to begin.

Let me tell you about a much more fulfilling way to achieve your dreams. There is a proven method for accomplishing more with less effort that most people miss. You can start by making some lists of things such as the places you want to visit, the people you’d most like to meet, the things you’d like to do within your lifetime, and maybe even a list of what you’d do if you won the lottery. Then you can start added pictures and images to make the vision a little real. You may want to do some online searches for most romantic destinations, romantic restaurants, dream vacations, top resorts, five-star resorts, and so on. There is no end to what you imagine. You can create a scrapbook, file, binder or build a book online. You may want to create a dream board or journey board to display somewhere where it will inspire you whenever you look at it.

My Master Plan for Life, which is what I call it, is a never-ending book I created online. I dedicate about 15 minutes a day to updating and adding to it. It inspires me, especially when I feel stuck, as yours will inspire you.

It’s never about the dream itself, but about the experience the dream brings, the happiness, the fulfillment of truly expressing ourselves, the love and connection we feel with others, the rich satisfaction of knowing we are making a difference in someone else’s life.

Always be expanding your mind to new possibilities. Whether you do this on your own or with your partner, you need to imagine it to achieve it.

Dream Building for Two is about creating and living an inspired life together. Remember you will always have support and challenge along the way so have fun with your Dream Building adventures and who knows where it will take you.

Darren Jacklin

World Class Professional Speaker, Corporate Trainer, Author

For over 16 years, Darren Jacklin has been mentoring entrepreneurs and business owners on achievable, specific and measurable strategies that they can consistently use to increase their income, transform their obstacles into cash flow and turn their passion into profits.

His uncanny ability to increase wealth and success by uncovering hidden assets, overlooked opportunities and undervalued possibilities has captured the attention of NBC, CBS, international radio stations, magazines and newspapers, movie producers, best-selling authors, CEO’s and business experts worldwide. Darren has personally trained over 130 Fortune 500 companies such as Microsoft, AT&T, Black & Decker, Barclays Bank and Air Canada, as well as high school and professional athletes from more than 36 countries.

Featured Couples

Interview with Deva and Miten

Please share your Couples Bio, including how long you have been together:

We met in 1990 in India – in the ashram of our guru, osho.

(Miten): I was coordinating the evening meditation music in the ashram. After we met we began singing together.

(Deva):  Although I was not a singer at the time, i had received classical music lessons from my mother, who was a classical musician and teacher. My father had chanted the gayatri mantra at my birth and consequently I chanted it all through my childhood as a bedtime song.
I was brought up in an environment where mantras and spiritual discipline were the norm.

(Miten): I grew up in London and worked in the music business as a singer/songwriter in the 60’s and 70’s, touring with Fleetwood Mac, Ry Cooder, Randy Newman and Lou Reed and recording with the Kinks.

(Deva):  For the last 21 years we have been traveling the world constantly (around 25 countries per year) sharing the healing power of mantra.

What I Love About The Energy Of Us:

Do you find that the passion and energy of your relationship translates into other things you do?

Well, first thing, we don’t consider our connection a ‘relationship’ in the usual sense – the bottom line for us is, that we are friends – this is our basic connection. Our focus is on an attitude of friendliness and respect – one that honours each other’s freedom of expression. We have found that it is very inspiring for us to live this understanding – of being free and supporting each other.

This gives us the opportunity to share the music and the mantras in a very open and straight, honest way. Which is important, because our concerts are not ‘performances’ as such, so we have the possibility (and challenges!) to share our selves, as we are, in the moment, on stage or off. This seems to inspire our audiences.

When you have an amazing relationship with a great energy, how do you feel that it affects your humanity and the energy you put out into the universe?

It has a positive effect. The mantras offer us all a doorway into a deeper sense of communion – with ourselves, with our loved ones, with mother nature, with life and essentially, with spirit.

What do you feel is the most important factor that has contributed to your successful relationship?

The most important factors are – the healing power of the mantras, the music we make together, and the guidance of our guru, osho.

What quality did you see in your partner that made you want to be with this person? Do they still have this quality?

(Miten): I remember the first time deva and i hugged – i was so blown away by a deep and profound sense of stillness – it was unusual for me, even then, to be in the presence of such an old soul. And yes, the stillness she carries still remains!

(Deva):  I was attracted to what i can only describe as his feeling of ‘universal love’ and, of course, I loved his music – it was played every night for the evening meditations in the ashram – his songs and his expression of devotion to the guru moved us all. And he’s so funny!

What kind of surprises and challenges have there been in your relationship?

The biggest surprise so far is that the past 23 years have been so amazingly free of challenges.

What bare-bones truth have you learned about your spirit that transcends all other matters?

Love is all

What is the best piece of relationship advice anyone ever gave you?

Well sting said it very well; if you love somebody, set them free.

How do you handle disagreements?

(Miten): She’s always right!

(Deva):  Disagreements come and go – quickly – they don’t seem to linger – and before we know it, the storm has blown over….

How do you keep your relationship exciting?

We sing together, we pray together, we make love together…we give thanks together. And we travel a lot, which keeps everything fresh and open.

What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done for you?

(Deva):  He wrote a love song for me (till i was loved by you) and sang it on stage every night on our last USA Tour!

(Miten):  So many things, but the thing that turns me on most about deva, is her acceptance of me the way I am – to me, this is soooo romantic – and very nourishing for the spirit!

Advice For Other Relationships:

What is your definition of love?

(Miten):  It’s the love for yourself that you share

(Deva):  Impossible for me to define love….

What is the best relationship advice anyone ever gave you?

Don’t make it a relationship.


A Lasting and Fulfilling Marriage is Possible with a Balanced Perspective

By Dr. John Demartini – Educator, human behavior specialist and author of numerous books including the title – The Heart of Love.   

“The biggest causes of marriage breakdowns are from idealisms and romantic notions. We are all looking for the perfect relationship, but as long as we set unrealistic ideals and project them onto potential partners, we will live in quiet desperation, feeling constantly  disappointed when they don’t live up to our perceived expectations.  These ideals often come from Hollywood movies and bedtime stories that end in “happily ever after.”  You imagine everyone around you is experiencing the fairytale, but you.

Women tend to fantasize about the knight in shining armor, or Brad Pitt.  When they end up with a regular guy with a beer belly, they sub-consciously punish him for it because he doesn’t match their fantasy. Men have their fantasies too.  She needs to look like the centre spread of Playboy and never grow old. However, going after this dream will cost him love if he stays and money if he goes. If we live by impossible fantasies, we’ll experience extreme emotional swings, instead of balanced love.

We also tend to look for a mate who is much like ourselves. But consider this: If two people are the same, one of them is not necessary.

“There are three types of relationships, but only one of them really works.  You’ve got the careless relationship where you project and focus on your own values without considering your partner’s. Then there is the careful relationship. This is when you think in terms of your partners values without considering your own. This relationship often feels like you are walking on eggshells. The third type is the caring relationship and is one where you communicate your values in terms of your partner’s values.

When we talk about values we don’t mean morals and ethics. We are referring to the things you hold most valuable in your life and your values are determined by your conscious or sub-conscious voids (what you perceive as most missing from your life).  In other words, you only seek money if you perceive you are lacking in wealth, you will put a high value on travel if you generally feel confined etc.  Fulfillment means filling full your perceptually empty voids.

The most successful marriages are ones that are balanced with equal amounts of support and challenge.  We need this equilibrium of positive and negative in order to grow and evolve.  It’s therefore crucial to understand that we all own and  display all personality traits such as generous and mean, kind and cruel, considerate and inconsiderate etc., in equal quantities.  Too often we expect our partner to be a one-sided being – only kind and considerate, but this will only lead to frustration, disappointment and withdrawal when your partner inevitably expresses the other side. It is wiser to ask the question “where do I have the trait I am judging my partner for” and “how does my partner expressing that trait benefit me in my daily life”? As long as you answer; I don’t have that trait and it doesn’t benefit me when they do it, you will begin to harbor resentment and get caught in a stance.  But as soon as you breakthrough the limitation of your perception, you will move into the dance, which will assist your marriage to grow in maturity and mutual appreciation.

Make a list of your highest values. It could be money, children, religion etc.  Then ask yourself how your values can assist your partner with their values and vice versa. When you distinguish how you are assisting each other with your dreams, you will feel a deeper connection and an increased appreciation for the one you are with.

Many people ask me what if the partner you are with is not your true soul mate.  While the answer ‘find a new one’ may spring to many a mind, I suggest there is no need to look beyond your existing relationship to find true love and fulfillment.

So the secret to a lasting and fulfilling marriage is – when you learn to love who you’re with, they turn into who you love.”

For more information on Dr. John Demartini, his products or seminar programs please visit: or email

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Communication, Money

Career Satisfaction = Happy Marriage

Hands up if you’ve heard that money problems can cause the demise of a perfectly good relationship? Me, too. Oh, and been there, done that. Well, so can being miserable in your career – whether your job is street cleaner, social worker, mother or president of the entire planet. It doesn’t matter, your levels of satisfaction impact everything.

Let’s start here, with some of the reasons people go to work:

Group A:  Purpose – I love it!

Group B:  Stimulation – my brain gets a kick out of being utilized

Group C:  Money – pay check to pay check, or love having lots of it

Group D:  Boredom – got to fill the time somehow

Group E:  Habit – uhhh, do I have a choice?!

And some of the reasons people are unhappy at work:

  • It has never occurred to them that doing something they enjoyed and were good at was an option.
  • They lack basic communication and boundary-setting skills and therefore keep finding themselves in disempowering situations where they feel not trusted and under-appreciated.
  • They don’t know how to ask for what they want.
  • They don’t like the boss or co-workers.
  • The values of the organization clash with theirs.
  • They are uncomfortable asking for help from a coach or other expert, preferring to try and figure things out alone – and so it drags on…

The majority of people fit into groups C, D and E and spend 40 plus hours a week (over 50% of their weekday waking hours) being broke, bored or on autopilot. It’s no wonder people proudly sport t-shirts with “Living for the Weekend” and “T.G.I.F.!” on the front. Who wouldn’t want a weekend to come around if half their weekday life was spent partially comatose, drooling at a desk.

Sylvia came to see me for this very reason. “I’m asleep at work! I don’t like the people or the place, the job itself has okay moments but I’m really overwhelmed,” she was almost crying. “Worst of all it puts me in a bad mood and my fiancé, Tom, has just about had enough of me. I’m worried about the impact it’s having on my relationship but I’m too scared to make a change. There are no jobs out there and I don’t want to end up in the same situation – or worse! – again.”

As we talked, Sylvia slowly began to hear herself answer the hardest question ever asked; the question that most people have no idea how to answer… What do you want?

Sylvia had been so focused on her fears of losing Tom and how awful and powerless she felt on a day-to-day basis, that it hadn’t occurred to her until now to explore what she wanted. It turned out that during her 15-year climb up the corporate ladder of accounting Sylvia had been finding it harder and harder to navigate the politics, growing work load and increasing levels of responsibility. All her energy went into getting through each day, so when she arrived home at the end of the day she had nothing left to give and often opted for a glass of wine or television just to numb out from feeling bad. She was grumpy, had mastered the art of pointing out all of Tom’s flaws and things he hadn’t done, was often disconnected from her relationship, and the concept of waking up feeling joyful with an authentic smile on her face seemed like a pipe dream.

Raise your hand if you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life with someone who’s miserable at the end of each day? Nope. Nor me. Career satisfaction plays a significant role in happiness levels. People who are unhappy at work are typically unhappy to some degree period, and coping behaviors such as drinking, eating, smoking, or Internet browsing are often present. Let’s face it, if you’re drowning your sorrows you’re probably not listening too well as your honey shares how her day was…

To be fair, the concept of doing a job you absolutely love and that causes you to expand your potential and connect to your purpose, is a fairly new phenomena. But having the communication and boundary-setting skills to make where you work right now more enjoyable, this is a basic. Everyone deserves respect and appreciation, plus the opportunity to do their job well. But sometimes you’ve got to ask for it. And this is what Sylvia discovered.

A job that seemed like entering the gates of hell on a daily basis, became one she enjoyed. Sylvia began to ask for the positive feedback she needed (she was getting plenty of ‘constructive’) and this increased her confidence; she began to proactively say ‘no’ to things that wouldn’t work for her, and to ask her boss for more notice on projects, so she felt more autonomous. In these small ways Sylvia chose to empower herself, and they made all the difference. It turned out that she didn’t really need a new job, she needed a new approach!

You’re probably wondering about her fiancé, Tom? Did she make the changes in time? How did it work out? Well… as her confidence rose at work, as she began to feel more respected and trusted, that authentic smile became a daily way of expressing her new found joy. And, no surprise, Tom loved that because it made him feel like he put it there.

Clara Chorley

Career Satisfaction Coach for Strong, Smart Professionals; Founder and CEO of Clarity Unlimited. She has an extensive and unique background as a Career Satisfaction Expert, business consultant and humanitarian.

Clara grew up in England, has lived in Germany; India; the Hawaiian Islands; Rwanda; and now resides in San Francisco, California. She has traveled and worked across 4 continents and 40 countries with organizations as diverse as Fortune 500 Ernst and Young, to humanitarian Millenium Village Project. Developed over two decades and 40 countries, Clara’s powerful 4-step process: T.U.R.N.™ has helped women and men around the world find satisfaction and fulfillment in their work (and therefore their lives). She is author of the book T.U.R.N.: 4 Steps to Clarity in your Life and Career, and creator of the online program: T.U.R.N. 4 Steps to Career Clarity for the Unclear Professional. An international speaker, Clara is a proud TEDx presenter, and currently lives in San Francisco, California.


Mastering Your Business Plan for Love

You searched, found love and are ready to profess your undying commitment to your partner. Congratulations! When you walk down the aisle, in front of your family and friends, you are creating a new entity – a “we” that needs to be cared for properly. Consider yourselves entrepreneurs who have just started a co-venture together.

This “we-ness” business could very well be the most important thing you do in your life. In the longest study of humanity to date, the Harvard Grant Study followed 268 male Harvard undergraduates from the classes of 1938-1940 for 75 years, collecting data on various aspects of their lives over regular intervals. George Vaillant, the psychiatrist who directed the study during it’s last 30 years, wrote a book about the findings called Triumphs of Experience. Overall the study showed that love is key to a happy and fulfilling life. As Vaillant puts it, there are two pillars of happiness. “One is love. The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”

Vaillant states the study’s most important finding is the one thing that truly matters in life are your relationships. A man could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn’t be happy. It has been clearly established that this we-ness is crucial to our happiness. An investment of time and energy is worth it for the rewards you will reap while raising a family, after the kids are gone, and long into your golden years.

So how do you proactively work on this we-ness business?

Seed or Launch Phase

First steps first, I know it sounds a bit wild but I suggest co-creating a marriage business plan. Essentially this involves creating a shared vision and mission of what your marriage means to both of you and establish a few of the initial objectives. Going into any venture without a clear idea of why and how to proceed is simply not smart and will set you up for failure. It’s the same with marriage. Before you get married, you have your own preconceived ideas of what a marriage is and what roles each partner plays. These may or may not be in alignment with your partner’s ideas. Don’t leave the destiny of your marriage to happenstance. Ask each other good open-ended questions about what your marriage should look like, sound like and act like. Study other successful marriages. Review the results of your research and decide what you want incorporated within your vision. Write it down and dedicate yourselves to succeed in these goals and dreams. Revisit and update your plan from time to time as you grow and mature in both your relationship and as individuals.

Start-Up Phase

The “honeymoon phase” is filled with excitement and backed up with a mix of good body chemistry including dopamine, endorphins, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine. Use this time and chemical cocktail wisely. You’re poised to be able to remember memories more vividly and have more energy with these love molecules in your body. Be creative when designing your quality time together. Along the journey, it’s important to document the good times by taking photos, having others take photos of you, putting them in photo books and picture frames, and looking at them often. Write cards and letters to document these good times.  This documentation will be crucial when it comes to overcoming the inevitable bumps in the road. And yes, they always do occur. In fact, if you aren’t having an occasional disagreement it’s a warning that you are a conflict-avoider which means you are at a higher risk of divorce. FYI: It doesn’t matter who you marry, studies show on average 69% of all marital issues stay with the couple through the lifetime of their relationship, according to the research of Dr. John Gottman, renowned researcher of marital stability and divorce prediction. So having visual references of just how great your relationship can be is part of creating a solid foundation.

Building Your Brand

When someone from the outside looks in at your we-ness what do you want them to see? In order to best navigate the road together, know your patterns and your partner’s patterns. Do you speak the same love languages? Do you prefer to think outside the box or do you feel most comfortable staying inside the box? How do you recharge your batteries? Is it by being in a quiet setting or with a group of people? What rituals do you as a couple have to keep connected and keep the romance alive? While studying your own patterns, check in to see if certain patterns work well in combination with your greater we-ness vision. When you see a misalignment, and if the certain trait or quality is changeable, then make the decision to work at shifting to a perspective that is more in tune with your mission. If it’s a pattern that is core to who you are and not one that can be shifted then discuss ways in which you and your partner can work with it. If it poses a consistent challenge it could be a part of the 69% of issues that will be a part of your relationship for its lifetime. If that is the case, see where you can inch a little closer to your partner’s perspective, utilize humor or agree to simply disagree each time it comes into play in your partnership.

Inflection Phase

Pause and look at what is working and what may need some tweaking.  Studies by Richard E. Lucas at Michigan State University have shown that the happiness boost that occurs with marriage lasts only about two years and then individuals return to their happiness “set point.” It is also important to note within a marriage the partner with the lower level of happiness tends to set the relationship’s overall “set point.”  As I see it, couples need to make a concerted effort to keep their individual happiness levels high. Taking care of yourself first is not selfish. It is necessary for the greater good of your relationship. If you are able to fill up your own “love cup” most of the way, to use Dr. Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages’ terminology, then the love your partner gives you will simply be the whipped cream topping off your love cup.

What can I do to ensure the continued success of our we-ness business?

Rapid Growth Expansion Phase

For a majority of couples this phase will include starting a family. Watch out because this is where you can slip into a routine, a comfort zone or simply a place of exhaustion. Thriving relationships do not run on auto-pilot. Also patterns you were conditioned with during your childhood, which may not be in alignment with the mission of your we-ness business, could now creep into play. Having a way of dealing with conflict before starting a family creates an extra layer of insurance against a decaying bottom line. I enjoy teaching couples something called The Rules of Engagement where they discover their own patterns, how those work in conjunction with their partner’s patterns and how to proactively discuss challenging subjects. Without these skills solidly in place, maneuvering with more elements and curve balls in the mix becomes a recipe for declining revenues.

Throughout all of your phases, but in particular during the growth phases, you will need to schedule several “business off-sites.” They are a way to recharge your batteries, check in with your partner, review your mission, make any needed adjustments in your approach and utilize the benefits of physical touch to reduce your levels of stress. In my coaching, I recommend the following recipe for your relationship’s success: five hours a week, one weekend a quarter and at least one week a year scheduled for just the two of you.

Steady Growth Phase

You should strive to be in a constant state of learning throughout your marriage. Learn new things together. Learn about yourself. Learn new ways to be your best in your we-ness position. Admit where your skills could be improved and strive to get the necessary coaching to improve. Study the competition, hire coaches or consultants. Implement what you learn. Course correct when necessary. Don’t rest on your laurels. It’s amazing how many people say the words “till death do us part” yet spend so little time becoming educated on how to be their best in relationship with their partner and how to co-create a thriving partnership.

During the steady growth phase, it’s pivotal that you mind the overall health of your we-ness. A study was done which involved 37 married couples.  Each person was given a vacuum blister on their arms after which they were asked to engage in conversation for 30 minutes. The findings showed that the couples who healed faster had an increase in oxytocin. “Oxytocin is a protective hormone,” said Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, the lead author of the study. The study concluded that better communicators had the highest levels of oxytocin in their blood samples.

Reinvestment in the Company

It’s worth it. Take care of yourself first, your relationship health second and then your family. Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology and author of The How of Happiness suggests asking yourself each morning, “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?” I’d take that a step further and encourage couples to become familiar with their partner’s love language as detailed in Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. Our time is precious. We must be loving, effective and efficient with our time together.

Annual Report

In my book, only boring people use the word bored. Challenge yourself to ward off hedonic adaptation, the act of becoming “habituated” to positive circumstances so the “good” is no longer seen as “that great” over time. Adaptation tends to creep in after the first few years of marriage. Fight it by becoming a perpetual student of surprise, creativity and spontaneity. If you adopt that type of passionate drive plus add a healthy dose of appreciation for your partner, you are sure to keep your “we-ness business” thriving, meaningful and positive.

While some of these steps may seem obvious, many married couples forget to put them into practice. The rewards of building your we-ness are priceless. It’s worth the time, energy and commitment. Keep this strategy in mind for the long-haul: Shared Vision + Shared Purpose + Passion to Be Your Best = A Successful We-ness. Now go celebrate your relationship’s success!

Joy M. Nordenstrom is founder of Joy of Romance, Inc., a certified matchmaker, relationship coach, wedding proposal planner and special romantic event and vacation planner. Joy emphasizes making relationship maintenance fun, sexy and intelligent by educating individuals on a practical, scientific and passionate-based approach to maintaining their romantic relationships.

Joy received an MBA in Entrepreneurship, and a BA in both Communications and Economics, with a minor in Psychology. All degrees are from Mills College in Oakland. Joy is a certified matchmaker from the Matchmaking and Behavioral Science Institute in New York City.

Joy coaches internationally via Skype and in-person locally in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is a new mother and lives with her fiancé and their son in Sausalito.

To learn more, visit, follow @joyofromance on Twitter, become a fan at Joy of Romance fan page on Facebook, subscribe to the vodcast Intelligent Love: 411 for Men on iTunes and/or email directly at

2269 Chestnut Street, Suite 330
San Francisco, CA 94123


How to Keep Your Partner Interested

Written by Dr. John Demartini: Internationally published author, educator and human behavior specialist.

I was asked recently whether there was an explanation why husbands or wives stray. My answer was simple: Relationships may start out romantic, but they also remain utilitarian. Individuals are not loyal to other individuals, they are loyal only to the fulfillment of their own highest values (what is most important to them).

Everyone has a hierarchy of values – priorities –which determines how they perceive, make decisions and act upon the world. These values influence what they like or dislike, are attracted to or repelled by, what opens them up or shuts them down.

These values might be concentrated in a particular part of a person’s life or spread from their mental aspects to vocational, financial, family, social, physical and spiritual.

At the beginning of a relationship, a couple would normally balance each other’s unique values out. So if a woman values security, she will value a mate that brings business, leadership and financial empowerment into her life. If a man values beauty and influence then he would value a mate that brings physical and social power to the relationship.

But as the relationship matures, if one spouse begins sacrificing their highest values for their more empowered partner’s, there will be an imbalance. Where this becomes extreme, the relationship becomes stressed and vulnerable. Whoever has the most power (over-dog) often wants more freedom and may seek out alternative options. Whoever has the least power (under-dog) often wants more constraint and fidelity. Marriage and monogamy to them is generally a higher priority.

Someone who is empowered in most or all areas of their life is successful in their career, will have wealth, will be physically attractive; educated and articulate and generally considered a together person.
On the other hand, the spouse who has become disempowered, who abandoned their own career and financial independence, gave up on their dreams to opt for a dependency role when married; is going to experience an extremely polarized imbalance of empowerment in the marriage.  The ‘over-dog’ will start searching for a new partner or partners to balance out his or her own power levels.  That’s when it is wise for the ‘under-dog’ to stop injecting their partner’s values into their life and look into the mirror.

They need to reclaim a feeling of self-worth and re-magnetize their mate. When they value themselves; so do others. When they offer what is perceived as value, their mates stick around.

When a couple is more equally empowered, maintains and communicates fair exchange and has their values met equally at home, they will be less likely to seek others out of the home. Couples with a balance of overall powers keep each other in homeostatic check. This results in a more stable relationship. They experience only mild oscillations in their relationship dynamic which are not enough to motivate what society calls infidelity. As long as they are getting their values met they are less likely to stray.

So when people stray, it’s not because they are villains. It is because they are individuals with unfulfilled values seeking alternative options to fulfill them. The spouses or partners of these individuals are also not victims of some evil crime. They are simply receiving a wake-up call on how relationships work and how to empower themselves so they can offer greater value.  If a break up does occur this is not the end of the world. It is simply time to look at what the many upsides are and how to start empowering so as to offer more value.

For more information on Dr. John Demartini, his products or seminar programs please visit: or email To receive your FREE GIFT, log onto

Communication, Relationships

Fun Date Adventures

How about creating some more laughter and fun in your relationship this week?

It’s time to go Geocaching. What is it? It’s an outdoor recreational activity in which participants use a Global Positioning System (GPS) on their mobile phone to hide and seek containers, called “geocaches” or “caches”, anywhere in the world.

A typical cache is a small waterproof container containing a logbook where the geocacher enters the date and time they found it and signs it with their established code name. Larger containers such as plastic storage containers (Tupperware or similar) or ammunition boxes can also contain items for trading, usually toys or trinkets of little value.

Now just imagine how much fun you and your sweetheart will have learning more about each other and connecting deeper during this adventure. He gets to step up and guide and direct you while being the warrior and you get to surrender into the Goddess flow knowing that he is in control of taking you on this exciting and fun treasure hunt adventure. You can even spice it up and get creative with some romance along the way. Whoever finds the cache first gets to receive ten kisses or gets breakfast in bed one day this week or doesn’t have to take out the garbage. Get creative and have some fun.

According to Wikipedia Geocaches are currently placed in over 200 countries around the world and on all seven continents, including Antarctica, and the International Space Station. After 14 years of activity there are over 1.9 million active geocaches published on various websites. There are over 5 million geocachers worldwide.

Check out their website and go out and have some fun this week on your fun date adventure.

About Darren Jacklin

For over 17 years, Darren Jacklin has been mentoring thousands of men and women on specific and measurable strategies that they consistently use to increase their income transform their obstacles into cash flow and turn their passion into profits.
His uncanny ability to increase wealth and success by uncovering hidden assets, overlooked opportunities and undervalued possibilities has captured the attention of NBC, CBS, international radio stations, magazines and newspapers, movie producers, best-selling authors, CEOs and business experts worldwide.
Darren has personally trained over 130 Fortune 500 companies such as Microsoft, AT&T, Black & Decker, Barclays Bank, and numerous government agencies as well as high school and professional athletes from more than 36 countries.


12 Tips for Newlyweds

  1. Talk about the money. Communication is Job One in the survival of any relationship. If you truly plan to share a life, bare your financial soul to your partner, and insist your buddy tell you everything.
  2. Create a budget. You need to be on the same page about where the money should be going. Then it’s easy to decide what to buy and when. You simply ask, “Where does this fit in the budget?” Work together to make room, cutting a little of her golfing and his beer-with-the-boys to come up with the money.
  3. Don’t put one guy in charge. When one mate is excluded or totally abdicates responsibility things can get messy. Your partner might sail your love-boat onto a reef or grow resentful at always having to do the detail. You should each feel involved in the big financial decisions and understand the day-to-day details.
  4. Face up to your debt. If you can’t be debt free when you hook up, at the very least you should have is a plan for getting there. Never sign for each other’s debt. If your buddy needs help pay off the debt, do it without putting your name on the paperwork.
  5. Talk about your dreams and your goals. Whether you want to own your own home, start a family or go into business for yourself, you need to break your goal down into manageable steps.
  6. Build in some fun-money. Consider allotting each partner weekly or monthly fun-money that can be used for anything that body desires.
  7. Plan for emergencies. Without a stash of cash at the ready to deal with whatever life throws at you, you won’t have the means to cope. Have enough cash available to cover six months’ worth of essential living expenses.
  8. Maintain your financial independence. That idea of independence makes some people want to duck and hide behind words like love, trust, honour and team. But independence doesn’t negate any of those things. It enhances them because each and every day you’re choosing to be together. Keep your own financial ID by having your own credit history and savings.
  9. Talk to your HR department. 
 Reassess what’s available to you now that you’re a family. Update your beneficiary designations for your insurance policies and retirement accounts.
  10. Check your insurance
. Marriage indicates “stability” and can have a positive effect on your auto insurance rates. Combine all your insurance with one carrier and you’ll pay less.
  11. Make or update your Wills & PoAs. If you don’t have a Will, its time to make one. Ditto Powers of Attorney for both financial and personal care. Your spouse doesn’t have the right to speak for you unless you give him/her that right.
  12. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Marriage is tough enough. Don’t spend your relationship getting your britches in a knot over every little thing. If the small stuff adds up to big problems it’s usually because you don’t have a budget and aren’t on the same page when it comes to your priorities.

Gail Vaz-Oxlade is the host of “Til Debt Do U$ Part” and “Princess” on Slice. Gail blogs daily at her website, Gail’s book, Debt-Free Forever, published by HarperCollins shot to the top of the bestseller list in 2010. Her latest book, Never Too Late, is poised to do the same thing in 2011.


Keeping Your Love A.L.I.V.E.

A couple of years ago I officiated at an elegant wedding on a beautiful summer day in a vineyard in California’s Napa Valley. In the service I shared the famous quote on marriage from U.S. President Abraham Lincoln who said, “ninety percent of your happiness in life comes from your choice in a mate.” I then congratulated the well-matched bride and groom on their choice. Only later did I learn that poor Mrs. Lincoln suffered from post partum psychosis which was one of many challenges they faced in their marriage.

After more than 25 years as a relationship coach and international television relationship expert, having written four books on love and created the Power of Love and Money seminar series, I have worked with thousands of couples.  All of those couples have had something in common; they all faced challenges in their marriage, so have I and you will too – that’s called life. You have reason to feel hopeful and encouraged because I’m about to teach you a proven system to keep your love ALIVE and growing even in challenging times.

The A in ALIVE stands for Authentic, the best way to show up in your relationship is as your true self, expressing your true feelings and needs in a skilful way. (more on skill in a moment). Faking it in any way will build a wall, which ultimately destroys love. Authenticity keeps it real between you so your love can grow.

Love of course is symbolized by the L in ALIVE. Love itself has the power to motivate us to grow and work to become better people, so we can be better partners. That is the secret, the purpose of life is to keep growing.  Learning to love unconditionally gives us our best shot.

Insight allows us to understand ourselves and why we feel and think the way we do. If we can see it and feel it we can change it, if we need to. That’s why I is in the middle of ALIVE.

You are going to benefit greatly from reminding yourself of the meaning of the letter V in ALIVE, it means Victory. We want to hold the most inspiring outcome in mind and work toward it.  Make Victory your goal “ I commit to doing and learning what is needed to  create Victory in my marriage”.

The last letter in ALIVE is E. Well the rubber must meet the road, so Effective actions are necessary that’s why I created the power of Love and Money Seminars. I teach scientifically proven tools for handling feelings, like emotional intelligence. My male students learn the secrets of the female brain.  One student’s wife called to tell me her husband had become “her rock “since he joined the seminars, while another husband called to let me know that his marriage had been renewed because he had been able to gain insight into his angry behavior and transform it.

My message is simple, when we learn better we do better. That’s the key to keeping your love ALIVE.  I have a special wedding  gift for you: A free ALIVE seminar for you and your entire bridal party. Why? Because, there are two-thirds fewer divorces for those who get pre-marital coaching. That’s stacking the cards in your favor isn’t it?  Also, your friends and family will support you better if they also learn to keep love ALIVE. Just register at Congratulations and blessings!