How many times have you heard someone say “it just didn’t work out” when they chose to get divorced?
Or maybe you’ve heard my other favorite; “we grew apart”. Right up in the top three is; “we fell out of love”. I’m so sorry but that is a crock of nonsense! There is no “IT”, and we don’t just grow apart, nor do we just fall in and out of love. Each of these crazy statements are part of a myth that destroys love.
For thirty years, I have trained, researched, studied and with the top scientists, experts and spiritual teachers around the world, to learn all I could about creating healthy passionate love. Why? Because I failed at love and made every mistake you can make and I was determined to learn better so I could do better in my own life and so I could share what I’ve learned with you.
As a result of years of hard work, I created Modern Love Training where I have now coached thousands of couples in our Programs and Systems; there isn’t space here to share even a fraction of the great tools or many breakthrough practices our students master, though I can tell you there have been many spectacular successes. Here is one story to inspire you and give you a great start on creating your own lasting True Love.
One couple Tessa and Parker were on the brink of divorce because “it” wasn’t working out when they came to a Modern Love Training and quickly learned there is no IT! There are either two people willing to invest in a great marriage or not. They got to work and discovered the answers to the emotional and sexual distance in their marriage.
First, Tessa had been emotionally and verbally abused by her parents who yelled at her, called her names and caused an innocent child to feel worthless and unlovable. She loved her husband but couldn’t accept his love, so she shut him out emotionally and sexually. She said over and over “I don’t know why you bother”.
Second, Parker had grown up with a dad who traveled for work and a mom who covered everything in dad’s many absences. He thought women should be self-sufficient and men could go off and as he put it “do their thing” and all would be fine. He didn’t know how to help Tessa or get closer to her, so he did what his dad did just got more and more distant.
There are currently five “love labs” in the US researching what we do that breaks down our marriages and what we must do to build them stronger and stronger. Based on these findings I have created a system called the “True Love Daily 5.”
What Tessa and Parker learned:
- How to spot the “toxic Love” patterns they learned in childhood and how they used them in their marriage.
- How to identify and then share the feelings they experienced as children. Parker was surprised to learn how much he really missed his dad growing up. He wanted to be a more connected husband and father to the baby they were expecting.
- They both realized they hadn’t learned how to talk about their feelings or needs and instead shut down and shut one another out.
- They sealed the exits and made a choice to each take responsibility to create the kind of marriage they really wanted and wrote down exactly what they each wanted.
- They committed to practice “the True Love Daily 5”
Loving touch, hugs kisses and cuddling are golden
Express loving words, especially admiration and appreciation
Ask what do you need from me today to feel happy and loved?
Write a gratitude list every night of 5 things they are grateful for in their marriage and one another Do a spiritual practice together every day, pray, meditate, read from a holy book, watch a sunset or sunrise anything inspiring and uplifting counts.
Tessa and Parker aren’t the only who created the marriage of their dreams. We had another couple join our coaching program who had actually been divorced for five years. They said they had grown apart but still loved one another. My response was why don’t you put your time and energy into growing together? They did, and got remarried and are still living happily together.
Brides and grooms, if you are wondering what to do right now to create the deeply connected passionate marriage you want and how to keep it growing every year, here is my advice. Start now. Commit right now to a “True Love daily 5”. Take premarital training. Why? Because there are 50% fewer divorces for those couples that train ahead of time. That will save you time energy and money later, right? Then every year, get a tune-up; your marriage is at least as important as your car, right?
Take action now and I’ll send you a great wedding gift, “The True Love, Great Marriage Kit” It’s a live teleseminar with me as your coach! Just send me an email at:
Love and blessings, Dr. Brenda
Dr. Brenda Wade
Nationally recognized relationship expert, author, and trainer
Creator and founder of the Love, Money & Seva Seminars and Power Coaching and Training International, Dr. Wade ignites change and transformation in the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every year. Employing her unique blend of Psychology, Science and Spirituality, she has become “one of the most renowned psychologists in America,” earning numerous awards for her TV programs, best-selling books and breakthrough seminars and trainings.
Media: Co-hosting her first television show: HELP! at age 16, Dr. Wade has been transforming lives over the airwaves ever since. She hosted four national television shows, two in syndication, and two for PBS television. As a popular and dynamic guest expert on shows like Oprah, The Today Show, Good Morning America, and most recently, Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew, she connects with the audience.
Author: Dr. Wade, author of four ground-breaking books, including: 99 Things You Wish You Knew Before Falling In Love, Power Choices: 7 Milestones on Your Journey to Wholeness, Love, Joy and Peace, What Mama Couldn’t Tell Us About Love, and Love Lessons: A Guide to Transforming Relationships., (the latter two co-written with journalist Brenda Lane Richardson). He on-the-money, sometimes in your face advice, regularly appears in: Essence, “O”, Ebony, Ladies Home Journal, Jet, Heart & Soul and Bridal Fantasy magazines, and Huffington Post.