”You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don’t think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”
Tony Robbins: Speaker, Trainer, Coach
The decision about who you are right now, in this moment is the most powerful one you can ever make. And especially when things get tough. This decision will determine how to approach the one you love when a difficult conversation is needed, whether you choose to share the deeper feelings inside you – or keep them protected, and if you smile and make eye-contact as you cross paths. It’s the foundation for how you live your life. Think of the descriptive words you’d like others to use to describe you. Are you being those?
A friend once asked me: “What do you want on your grave stone? “I lived as safely as I could”? No. Not for me. And, I’m guessing, not for you.
On the easy days, love can carry us through almost anything. We look at each other and that blissful feeling takes the edge off the fact that the place is a mess. We seem to find the right words at the right time and, perhaps most importantly, with the right tone. We give more, we feel more confident; we’re heard, received and joyfully responded to. But what about the days that are more challenging – when you’re faced with the difficulties that come up in relationships and invite us to really think before we explode?
The question here is: How can you communicate what you need, and truly be heard? The answer is by practicing the skills of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). This skill is vital to a fulfilling intimate relationship. EQ is the ability to make rational choices during emotional times. Emotions are included and taken into consideration, but they don’t get to lead. For example: you’re furious, he’s late again and you wish it didn’t matter, but it does. You have two options: you can allow your emotions to rule and ‘let him have it’ when he gets home or you can learn a new way to inspire a behavior shift by practicing these steps:
Step.1 – BREATHE. Remember counting to 10 as a child? Count to 10 and breathe. Slowly.
Step.2 – Take a moment and choose Who You Want to Be. Commit to bringing your best self.
Step.3 – Find something, anything, positive about him. The cute heart shaped mole on his shoulder or the way he eats spaghetti.
Step.4 – Wait. Wait until you know you are able to start your sentence with some positive i.e.: “Honey, I know you’re working really hard and that you’re doing your best.” Always begin with letting him know you know his intentions are positive. If you can’t do this, wait until you can.
Step.5 – Start with the positive. Let him know what’s working and be very sure that you mean it. No saying stuff just to get to the next part!
Step.6 – Make the request for what you want. “When you’re this late, I feel disappointed. I miss our time together. I start to wonder if you want to spend time with me. What I want is for us to find a way for you to arrive on time, or adjust the time.” Whatever is at the heart of the matter, go deep enough to find it and bring it to the surface. Initially it will feel vulnerable to do so, but it’ll get easier with time and practice!
Step.7 – End with appreciation: “Thank you for hearing this. I love you very much. I know we’ll find a way to work this out.”
I did not say this would be easy but it is worth it. It works for both men and women. Of course, you’ll speak from your heart. The good news is that most of us have positive intention behind our actions. We just mess up now and then. But when the best of us is seen, loved and appreciated we start to perform better. We’re more willing to hear the feedback and we’re more willing (and likely) to change our behaviors, when we’re feeling understood and accepted. As with anything new, it takes practice. So enjoy the process, let go of any need to be perfect, and be willing to be messy.
Clara Chorley is a humanitarian with a passion, a speaker with a mission and an international entrepreneur. She is the Founder of Clarity Unlimited, and grew this business to over 6-figures in less than 14 months. Clara has traveled and worked across 3 continents and 37 countries, and has created specific strategies to help move people towards professional and personal life satisfaction.
Clara believes that people need to go deep within their own personal selves and Get CLEAR™ about who they are and what they really want. It is when we are clear that we can step up to affect global, local and social change for the good.
In addition to being a successful entrepreneur, Clara Chorley has been a philanthropist and avid volunteer for over 15 years. She is the co-author of the book 15 Winning Ways to Better Living and has been featured in the documentary film “Achieve your Ultimate Success”. Clara has worked with companies as diverse as Fortune 500 company Ernst & Young in the USA; and humanitarian organization The Millennium Project (of The Earth Institute) in Rwanda, Africa. She is trained in Voice Dialogue and a member of National Speaker’s Association.
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Clara Chorley, CEO & Founder of Clarity Unlimited, www.ClarityUnlimited.com, +1.415.592.0328